1. If you have to throw up, get onto furniture quickly. If you cannot manage this in time, get to an expensive throw rug. The more expensive, the better.

2. Determine which dinner guest hates cats. Sit on that lap during the evening. They wouldn’t dare push you off. They may even coo, “Nice Kitty” to you. Try to arrange tuna on your breath, and by all means meow often.

3. For sitting on laps or rubbing against pants, select colors which contrast with your own.

4. Always, always accompany guests to the restroom, ESPECIALLY those who are afraid of cats. You don’t have to do or say anything. Just stare. It’ll freak them right out.

5. For guests who say, “I love kitties!”, be ready with your best look of boredom. Let them know you are merely tolerating them.

6. DO NOT allow closed doors in any room. To get one open, you have two options: One, you can scratch with a repetitiveness on the wood until someone comes to your aid. Or, two, stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws.

Once the door is opened for you, of course, it is not necessary to use it. You can change your mind. When you have ordered an outside door opened, stand half in/half out and think about a variety of things. This is especially effective during winter or mosquito season.

7. When it becomes necessary to dislodge a hairball, choose the dining room during mealtime. If company’s over, all the better.

8. Should you meet with a mishap, such as falling out of a chair or running into a glass door, go about your business and adopt an expression that says, “I meant to do that.”

My cat is not an attention hog… she’s taking the attention off of my flaws.

My cat does not tear up paper… she’s recycling.

My cat does not break things … she’s a science geek and it conducting experiments with gravity.

My cat does not fear dogs … he is merely selective of the company he keeps.

My cat is not a glutton… she simply appreciates the culinary efforts made on her behalf.

My cat does not scratch … he is a furniture ventilator. He happens to also specialize in ventilating wood frames, paneling, carpet, window frames…

My cat does not catterwaul … she is singing off-key. Intentionally.

My cat does not hog the spot on the couch… he’s keeping it warm for us.

My cat is not a Chatty Kathy…. she’s so full of wit and wisdom, she can’t control it all.

My cat is not finicky… he’s particular.

My cat is not a pest … she’s a selfless entertainer.

My cat is not a heartless hunter … he is a wildlife control expert.

My cat is not mean… she’s practicing for the role as Batman’s next villain.

My cat is not fat … she is insulated.

My cat is not lazy … she is conserving her energy.

My cat does not get underfoot … he’s protective. He’s making sure I arrive safely at his food dish.

My cat is not always in the way… she’s always there for us.