A Cat’s Rules of Etiquette

1. If you have to throw up, get onto furniture quickly. If you cannot manage this in time, get to an expensive throw rug. The more expensive, the better.

2. Determine which dinner guest hates cats. Sit on that lap during the evening. They wouldn’t dare push you off. They may even coo, “Nice Kitty” to you. Try to arrange tuna on your breath, and by all means meow often.

3. For sitting on laps or rubbing against pants, select colors which contrast with your own.

4. Always, always accompany guests to the restroom, ESPECIALLY those who are afraid of cats. You don’t have to do or say anything. Just stare. It’ll freak them right out.

5. For guests who say, “I love kitties!”, be ready with your best look of boredom. Let them know you are merely tolerating them.

6. DO NOT allow closed doors in any room. To get one open, you have two options: One, you can scratch with a repetitiveness on the wood until someone comes to your aid. Or, two, stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws.

Once the door is opened for you, of course, it is not necessary to use it. You can change your mind. When you have ordered an outside door opened, stand half in/half out and think about a variety of things. This is especially effective during winter or mosquito season.

7. When it becomes necessary to dislodge a hairball, choose the dining room during mealtime. If company’s over, all the better.

8. Should you meet with a mishap, such as falling out of a chair or running into a glass door, go about your business and adopt an expression that says, “I meant to do that.”